On a more serious note no real man wants a lady with just a big bum bum... We live in a generation where attention has been reduced to angles, filters, and how much body you can show. The louder the curves, the more people assume you’re winning. But let’s be real for a moment because behind the trends and temptations, the truth still stands tall. No real man is looking for a woman with just a big bum bum. Yes, a woman’s body may attract the eye, but it is her mind, her values, her character, and her essence that hold a man’s soul. The internet may be flooded with men commenting “fire” emojis and heart eyes under BBL pictures, but when it’s time for real life, when it’s time to choose a wife, a mother, a business partner, a backbone, these same men go quiet on curves and start looking for substance. Because here’s what they won’t post online: They want a woman who has sense, not just shape. They want a woman who can sit in a room with kings and speak with wisdom. They want a woman who can raise children with values and discipline. They want a woman who can manage a home, not just show off an outfit. They want a woman who can lead a business when they are not there. They want a woman who can multiply whatever she’s given not one who needs to be constantly maintained like a car with no engine. This is the truth social media will not scream at you. So whether you have the body or not, what really matters is: do you have value? Do you have strength of character? Can you think for yourself? Can you build something out of your life even when no one is clapping for you? Can you build a family, a vision, a legacy? Because no real man is looking for a liability. Real men are looking for women who are whole, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Not women who only offer their bodies but are empty in purpose and identity. So while you’re chasing body goals, don’t forget to chase life goals. Train your mind the same way you train your hips. Build your value the same way you build your wardrobe. Learn emotional intelligence the same way you learn makeup tutorials. Because in the end, the world may celebrate your bum bum, but your destiny will rise or fall based on your substance. You’re more than a body. You’re a builder. You’re a thinker. You’re a nurturer. You’re a world-shifter. So rise beyond what they see. Let your mind be sharper than your waistline. Let your presence shake rooms not because of how you walk, but because of the wisdom you carry. Because the kind of woman who changes generations doesn’t just have a bum bum, she has a brain and a spirit that cannot be ignored. _______ You want to be a woman of value?... Learn a skill. Click on the link in the comment section to learn how to write for impact, influence, and income. 📷 Internet Yours Inspiration, Kathryn Esther Clement

AI translation from Hausa to English *BE CAREFUL WHEN TAKING PHOTOS OF NEWBORNS!!* This morning, I was called to the home of one Alhaji to examine a baby girl who was born three weeks ago. When I arrived at the house: They complained to me that the baby girl seems to have trouble seeing. Since the day of her naming ceremony up to the time I'm sharing this message, her parents have noticed that she doesn't respond to light or to hand movements near her eyes or face. Because of this, I suggested they consult a pediatrician at Nassarawa Hospital. I called a pediatrician and explained the situation, but he said this case should rather be seen by an eye specialist. The surprising part that made me share this with you is what the eye specialist said when I called him. He asked, "Did they have a naming ceremony at home?" I said, "Yes, they did, and it was well attended." Then he said that it's now being observed that many babies who had home naming ceremonies, where the husband’s and wife’s relatives took pictures of the newborns with their phones, end up with visual problems. The flash from phone cameras, especially during the early days or first one or two months of life, can damage the retina—the part of the eye that sends visual information to the brain. This happens because relatives often insist that the baby open their eyes for a photo, and at that moment, the flash from the phone’s camera can harm the baby's retina. Taking photos of a baby during the naming ceremony can potentially cause permanent blindness. Please, let’s be careful. And let’s educate parents and relatives about the dangers of insisting that a newborn open their eyes for photos. Please share this message so others can benefit. Abubakar I. Ahmad — SNA Nephrology Isah Abdullahi Isah

IF YOU KEEP PICKING WRONG, READ THIS. 🧠💔 Choosing a partner is one of the most important decisions of your life. But many good women are making bad decisions because something deeper is influencing their choices. These are 5 things that can cause you to choose the wrong partner even when you’re praying, fasting, and “doing everything.” 📌 1. YOUR EMOTIONS The moment you feel something strong, you stop seeing clearly. You start making excuses to cover up red flags because you don't want to lose this thing you feel for him. If emotions are driving the car, wisdom is probably tied up in the boot. And that is exactly the case for many ladies. Your emotions are good and what makes you human, but you need to gain mastery over it else it will keep making you choose the wrong partners. 📌 2. UNMET NEEDS Some of the worst relationships you’ll ever enter are the ones you walk into with an empty cup. Because when you’re thirsty, even p0ison can look like water. When you have unmet needs, your definition and perception of love are altered, and you will confuse so many things for love. 📌 3. YOU’RE STILL IN YOUR FANTASY STAGE A lot of women fall in love with the idea of a man, not the reality of who he is. You picture a wedding with him, future kids, matching Ankara, and couple selfies… But you never stopped to ask: Is this man truly ready for what I’m praying for? Sometimes, you’re not choosing him - you’re choosing your hope. So as long as he matches the idea of the man you fantasize about, you intentionally close your eyes to other important things and hope that helps changes later. 📌 4. TRAUMA YOU HAVEN’T HEALED FROM Unhealed trauma can distort a lot. You’ll think you’re following your heart and even feel “peace” and use it as a confirmation…. But it’s your w0unds that are choosing for you because it has seen something “familiar”. Your nervous system isn’t looking for love… it’s looking for what it knows. And until you do the healing work, your past will keep hijacking your future. 📌 5. PRESSURE (FROM SOCIETY, FRIENDS, FAMILY OR EVEN YOURSELF) When you’re close to your 30s and people keep asking “when are you getting married?”, it messes with your peace. You start feeling like you’re behind. You lower your standards. You rush, settle, and pick out of fear. And the worst part? You start seeing the wrong person as “good enough” After all no one is perfect, right? All because you’re trying to meet a deadline. ========= For how long will you keep allowing your emotions to affect your relationship choices? What unmet need is influencing your choice? Is something from the past making you reject what is safe, good, and real? Then making you choose what isn't good for you? How about pressure to be married? Are you giving in already?

A PASTOR'S BETRAYAL PART 6 Grace sat by the window of her empty mansion, staring at the rain as it painted crooked lines down the glass. Three months had passed since the divorce. Three months of silence from her children. Three months of Michael’s unanswered calls piling up in her voicemail. The house was too big. Too quiet. She barely ate. Barely slept. The only person who still visited was Pastor Gideon. A knock at the door startled her. Pastor Gideon stood there, his smile wide, his eyes gleaming as they swept over her disheveled appearance—the unwashed hair, the wrinkled clothes, the dark circles under her eyes. "Sister Grace," he said, stepping inside without waiting for an invitation. "You look... tired." Grace wrapped her arms around herself. "I haven’t been sleeping well." The pastor sighed, shaking his head sadly. "The devil is attacking your peace. But don’t worry—God has shown me how to help you." He placed a heavy hand on her shoulder, his grip just a little too tight. They sat in the living room; Grace curled into herself on the couch while the pastor paced like a preacher at the pulpit. "The church is building a new prayer retreat," he said, his voice swelling with false passion. "A holy place where broken souls like yours can find healing." Grace blinked up at him. "That sounds... nice." Pastor Gideon smiled. "It will be. But we need your help, Sister Grace. God has placed it on my heart to ask you for a seed offering." He pulled out a brochure with glossy pictures of the planned retreat—a grand building with marble floors and golden accents. Grace frowned. "How much?" The pastor’s grin widened. "Thirty million naira." Grace’s breath caught. That was more than half of what Michael had given her. But the pastor leaned closer, his voice dropping to a whisper. "This is your chance to buy back God’s favor, Grace. After everything—the divorce, your children abandoning you—don’t you want to be right with the Lord again?" Grace’s hands trembled. She thought of Sarah’s laughter. Michael’s arms around her. The family she threw away. Maybe... maybe this was her punishment. Maybe giving this money would fix things. She nodded slowly. Pastor Gideon’s eyes glinted. Two weeks later, he returned. This time, he arrived with a prayer group—three women from the church who circled Grace, laying hands on her, speaking in tongues. "You have a spiritual blockage," the pastor declared. "A curse from your past life is stopping your blessings!" Grace flinched as the women’s fingers pressed into her skin. "How... how do I break it?" she whispered. Pastor Gideon sighed, as if burdened by the weight of her sin. "It will require a mighty sacrifice. Twenty million naira. To cleanse your spirit." Grace’s stomach twisted. That was nearly all she had left. But the women nodded solemnly, their eyes wide with manufactured concern. "God is waiting for your obedience, Sister Grace," one murmured. Tears spilled down Grace’s cheeks. She wrote the check. A month passed. Grace’s account was almost empty. She hadn’t paid her electricity bill. The fridge was bare. The mansion felt like a tomb. When Pastor Gideon came again, she was sitting in the dark. "Sister Grace," he said, his voice oozing false sympathy. "You look worse." Grace didn’t answer. The pastor sat beside her, sighing heavily. "I’ve been praying for you. God has revealed the final step to your freedom." Grace turned hollow eyes toward him. "You must sell this house," he said. "And give the money to the church. It’s the last stronghold of your past life. As long as you live here, the devil will torment you." Grace’s lips parted in shock. This house was all she had left. But the pastor pressed on, his voice smooth as poison. "Your children left you, Grace. Michael abandoned you. But the church has stayed. I have stayed. Who else do you have?" Grace’s breath came in shallow gasps. No one. She had no one. The papers were signed. The house sold. Grace handed every penny to Pastor Gideon, her hands shaking. He smiled, patting her cheek like a child. "You’ve done well, Sister Grace. God is pleased." Then he left. And he never came back. Grace sat on the floor of a tiny, rented apartment, her back against the wall, staring at her phone. One missed call from Michael. One voicemail from Sarah. She couldn’t bring herself to listen. Outside, the rain fell harder. And for the first time, Grace realized the truth: She had been the prey all along. her bones clean. Now comes the hunger.......

I marry early, just 20 years old. My husband na 24 that time. We love ourself well-well. E no even reach one month for our marriage, I don carry belle. We happy as young couple wey dey expect their first pikin. We prepare everything down for the baby. But na for delivery room my joy begin turn to pain. I labour for almost 3 days. When I finally born, na baby boy, but the baby come weak. Two hours later, my pikin d!e. I cry tire. My husband too cry. But we encourage ourself say, "We go try again." Six months later, I carry belle again. After 9 months — another stillbirth. Third belle, the same thing happen. Na so my family say, “This marriage no be for you. Come out, go complete your university.” But I refuse. I love my husband. I believe say better go still happen. Some people say na spiritual matter. We begin waka from church to prophet, prayer upon prayer. Prophet assure us say “This time, e go work.” I carry belle again, the fourth one. I born the baby, the baby even cry small, but by evening the baby d!e. Doctor call am “sudden infant death.” No explanation. Just fear. Na that period doctor advise say make we give gap before we try again. I tell my husband make we try adopt for now. Him agree. I call my cousin wey say she dey work for one motherless home. We give her over 1.6 million. Na so she dupe us carry money vanish. My husband vex. Say him no even believe for adoption before, na just to please me. Him say make I no ask am money again. I begin follow the matter spiritually again. Different prophecies, no solution. One day, my friend tell me about one doctor for East wey young girls dey born give away babies for money. Baby Boy na 1.5 million, girl na 1 million. She say e legit. I tell my husband, he say, "I no dey interestedand i no get any money to bring out." I go borrow money. I give my friend 600k as first payment. One week later, na online I see video of my friend—dem dey beat her say she thief her neighbor pikin wan carry come give me. I shock. My heart cut. I run go show my husband. He say, "Better no involve me for this matter" Next day, police land arrest me. My husband say, “Follow them go. I go get lawyer.” I call my family, dem say, “As you no hear word when we try rescue you, make Love bail you out now.” Just like play, I land prison. No lawyer. No family. My husband visit me only 3 times. After that, silence. My friend wey thief the baby, her people raise money bail her. She promise to help me too. Nothing happen. I stay 5 years for prison for matter I no understand finish. Just because say I want born, just because say I no get patience, just because say I trust wrong people. Different NGO dey come prison. Dem go give us food, tissue, pad — and hope. Many promise to help me after I share my story. But nothing come out. Until one day, one woman wey be women advocate listen to me. She promise to help. I no believe, but she really help me comot from jail. When I reach house, my husband don move. Don remarry with three children already. When I go see am, him say make I find peace. Say our fate no match. That day, I wan just disappear. I tell the woman wey help me. She say, “Come stay with me.” She encourage me. Enrol me back for catering school make I refresh my baking skills. From there I start my small baking business. But inside me, I still dey cry. I no even fit look mirror. I don lose shape, lose beauty, lose hope. One day, I go deliver wedding cake. As i reach the venue the people bounce me — say I no fit enter because I look “dirty.” That day, I cry reach house. I tell myself, “I go change this story.” I download Pinterest app, dey learn how to dress my body type. I watch make-up beginners videos. I start to buy small affordable good clothes. I begin dey apply simple makeup. I switch to skin care wey dey moisturize my skin. I begin see my beauty again. Customers begin notice. Begin compliment me. I start dey take pictures. I start dey smile. My self-confidence begin return. One day, I go deliver cake again. I dress well. The bride say I fine. Na there one man collect my number, say na for business. But na love him come find. Him fine, young, tall — and kind. I open up tell am everything. He say, “Your past no be your name. Let’s build something new.” Today, I don marry again. I don born two boys through CS operation. Dem survive. My first son na 4 years, second one 2 years. My husband say no need to born again — these ones complete us. And truly, I no need anything else again. I don finally become mama. Today I dey grateful say After all my tough challenges God still change my story. --- To every woman wey don carry belle with joy but return house empty-handed — this message na for you. The pain of stillbirth no be small thing. Na one deep wound wey only God fit understand. Sometimes you go dey ask, “Why me?” Sometimes the silence go loud, the tears go come uninvited. But make you hear this one: you never fail. Your womb no betray you. Your heart still be the heart of a mother. And even if the world no see your kind of pain, God see am, and He go still comfort you in ways wey go shock you. To the women wey don lose their self-esteem because dem no get money take take care of their body, or childbirth don change the way dem look — My sister, remember say your beauty no end for body. Start small, love yourself again, dress well, start with your budget, manage your weight if necessary. Self love dey build back self esteem You go rise again and glow in your own time. To the women wey their husband don abandon them — No carry your life hang for one person wey walk away. God never walk away from you. Stand up, dust your pain, start again. Look good, take care of yourself. You still fit laugh again, love again, and shine again. To Every Woman and Family wey dey fight silent battles — May God surprise you with joy wey go wipe all your secret tears. Amen. @highlight

10 TOXIC traits women secretly LOVE in men: 1. Being Emotionally Unavailable (At First) If you’re texting her nonstop, always expressing your feelings—she will get bored fast. The moment she feels she has you figured out, the chase is over. Instead, be unpredictable. Stay focused on your mission. Let her wonder. 2. Being Blunt & Unapologetic: Women love a man who says what he means and doesn’t sugarcoat. Most guys tiptoe around, afraid to offend her. That’s weak. If she asks, “Do I look fat in this?”—be honest. If she acts out, call it out. 3. Having a Little Bit of Arrogance Confidence is hot. Arrogance (when done right) is magnetic. When you carry yourself like a man who knows his worth, women can’t resist it. You don’t need to prove anything. You just exist as the prize—and she will naturally want to win you. 4. Being Hard to Impress: The average guy pedestalizes women he puts them above himself, and treats them like a prize. A high-value man? He is not easily impressed. She’s attractive? So what? When you don’t react like every other guy, she will work harder to win your approval. 5. Teasing & Challenging Her: Nice guys compliment her all day. Weak men tell her what she wants to hear. Boring. The man she desires? He challenges her. He teases her. He makes her work for his validation. if you do this you'll stand out from every other guy feeding her ego. 6. Keeping Other Women Around: Women are competitive by nature. If she feels like she’s the only one chasing you, she won’t value you. But the second she senses other women desire you, her attraction skyrockets. Social proof is real. 7. Making Her Jealous (But in Control of It): Jealousy is a weapon, and if used right, it keeps a woman hooked. Subtly mention that another woman complimented you. Post a picture of you having fun with female friends. Show that you're wanted. 8. Being a Little Bit Selfish: A woman doesn’t want a man who gives her everything—she wants a man who prioritizes himself. She needs to see that you are on your own path, and if she wants to be a part of it, she has to earn her place. Never sacrifice your goals for her. 9. Show Selectiveness: Most guys try to impress every attractive woman they meet. But the ones who stand out are the ones who are not easily impressed themselves. Instead of chasing her, ask yourself: “Does she even meet my standards?” 10. Being Mysterious & Unpredictable: Women don’t fantasize about the guy who spills his entire life story on the first date. They crave the unknown. Keep her guessing. Don’t text back instantly. Don’t tell her everything. Let her wonder what you’re thinking.

This was supposed to be their beginning. The man in there is known as Pratik Joshi. He had spent six lonely years in London, building a life his family could one day share. His wife, Dr. Komi Vyas, resigned from her job just two days ago. Their three little ones were finally coming to join him. A new life was waiting. They boarded the flight with hearts full of excitement. They took a picture. Smiling. Hopeful. A family, whole again. But fate had other plans. Air India Flight 171 crashed. None of the people in the picture survived. That picture once a symbol of reunion is now a memorial. It breaks your heart, doesn’t it? Because we see ourselves in them. In their love, in their plans, in their ordinary joy. So if you're reading this: Don’t waste today. Forgive quicker. Laugh louder. Sit longer with the ones you love. Let life be messy, and beautiful, and real. Because life is not promised. And sometimes, it leaves you with nothing but a picture… and the ashes of a dream.

I marry early, just 20 years old. My husband na 24 that time. We love ourself well-well. E no even reach one month for our marriage, I don carry belle. We happy as young couple wey dey expect their first pikin. We prepare everything down for the baby. But na for delivery room my joy begin turn to pain. I labour for almost 3 days. When I finally born, na baby boy, but the baby come weak. Two hours later, my pikin d!e. I cry tire. My husband too cry. But we encourage ourself say, "We go try again." Six months later, I carry belle again. After 9 months — another stillbirth. Third belle, the same thing happen. Na so my family say, “This marriage no be for you. Come out, go complete your university.” But I refuse. I love my husband. I believe say better go still happen. Some people say na spiritual matter. We begin waka from church to prophet, prayer upon prayer. Prophet assure us say “This time, e go work.” I carry belle again, the fourth one. I born the baby, the baby even cry small, but by evening the baby d!e. Doctor call am “sudden infant death.” No explanation. Just fear. Na that period doctor advise say make we give gap before we try again. I tell my husband make we try adopt for now. Him agree. I call my cousin wey say she dey work for one motherless home. We give her over 1.6 million. Na so she dupe us carry money vanish. My husband vex. Say him no even believe for adoption before, na just to please me. Him say make I no ask am money again. I begin follow the matter spiritually again. Different prophecies, no solution. One day, my friend tell me about one doctor for East wey young girls dey born give away babies for money. Baby Boy na 1.5 million, girl na 1 million. She say e legit. I tell my husband, he say, "I no dey interestedand i no get any money to bring out." I go borrow money. I give my friend 600k as first payment. One week later, na online I see video of my friend—dem dey beat her say she thief her neighbor pikin wan carry come give me. I shock. My heart cut. I run go show my husband. He say, "Better no involve me for this matter" Next day, police land arrest me. My husband say, “Follow them go. I go get lawyer.” I call my family, dem say, “As you no hear word when we try rescue you, make Love bail you out now.” Just like play, I land prison. No lawyer. No family. My husband visit me only 3 times. After that, silence. My friend wey thief the baby, her people raise money bail her. She promise to help me too. Nothing happen. I stay 5 years for prison for matter I no understand finish. Just because say I want born, just because say I no get patience, just because say I trust wrong people. Different NGO dey come prison. Dem go give us food, tissue, pad — and hope. Many promise to help me after I share my story. But nothing come out. Until one day, one woman wey be women advocate listen to me. She promise to help. I no believe, but she really help me comot from jail. When I reach house, my husband don move. Don remarry with three children already. When I go see am, him say make I find peace. Say our fate no match. That day, I wan just disappear. I tell the woman wey help me. She say, “Come stay with me.” She encourage me. Enrol me back for catering school make I refresh my baking skills. From there I start my small baking business. But inside me, I still dey cry. I no even fit look mirror. I don lose shape, lose beauty, lose hope. One day, I go deliver wedding cake. As i reach the venue the people bounce me — say I no fit enter because I look “dirty.” That day, I cry reach house. I tell myself, “I go change this story.” I download Pinterest app, dey learn how to dress my body type. I watch make-up beginners videos. I start to buy small affordable good clothes. I begin dey apply simple makeup. I switch to skin care wey dey moisturize my skin. I begin see my beauty again. Customers begin notice. Begin compliment me. I start dey take pictures. I start dey smile. My self-confidence begin return. One day, I go deliver cake again. I dress well. The bride say I fine. Na there one man collect my number, say na for business. But na love him come find. Him fine, young, tall — and kind. I open up tell am everything. He say, “Your past no be your name. Let’s build something new.” Today, I don marry again. I don born two boys through CS operation. Dem survive. My first son na 4 years, second one 2 years. My husband say no need to born again — these ones complete us. And truly, I no need anything else again. I don finally become mama. Today I dey grateful say After all my tough challenges God still change my story. --- To every woman wey don carry belle with joy but return house empty-handed — this message na for you. The pain of stillbirth no be small thing. Na one deep wound wey only God fit understand. Sometimes you go dey ask, “Why me?” Sometimes the silence go loud, the tears go come uninvited. But make you hear this one: you never fail. Your womb no betray you. Your heart still be the heart of a mother. And even if the world no see your kind of pain, God see am, and He go still comfort you in ways wey go shock you. To the women wey don lose their self-esteem because dem no get money take take care of their body, or childbirth don change the way dem look — My sister, remember say your beauty no end for body. Start small, love yourself again, dress well, start with your budget, manage your weight if necessary. Self love dey build back self esteem You go rise again and glow in your own time. To the women wey their husband don abandon them — No carry your life hang for one person wey walk away. God never walk away from you. Stand up, dust your pain, start again. Look good, take care of yourself. You still fit laugh again, love again, and shine again. To Every Woman and Family wey dey fight silent battles — May God surprise you with joy wey go wipe all your secret tears. Amen. #everyoneシ゚ #woman #virals #marriage

A LONG READ How do we choose the people we fall in love with? The Romantic answer is that our instincts naturally guide us to individuals who are kind and good for us. Love is a sort of ecstasy that descends when we feel ourselves in the presence of a benign and nourishing soul, who will answer our emotional needs, understand our sadness and strengthen us for the hard tasks of our lives. In order to locate our lover, we must let our instincts carry us along, taking care never to impede them through pedantic psychological analysis and introspection or else considerations of status, wealth or lineage. Our feelings will tell us clearly enough when we have reached our destiny. To ask someone with any degree of rigour why exactly they have chosen a particular partner is – in the Romantic world-view – simply an unnecessary and offensive misunderstanding of love: true love is an instinct that accurately and naturally settles on those with a capacity to make us happy. The Romantic attitude sounds warm and kind. Its originators certainly imagined that it would bring an end to the sort of unhappy relationships previously brokered by parents and society. The only difficulty is that our obedience to instinct has, very often, proved to be a disaster of its own. Respecting the special feelings we get around certain people in nightclubs and train stations, parties and websites and that Romanticism so ably celebrated in art appears not to have led us to be any happier in our unions than a Medieval couple shackled into marriage by two royal courts keen to preserve the sovereignty of a slice of ancestral land. ‘Instinct’ has been little better than ‘calculation’ in underwriting the quality of our love stories. Romanticism would not at this point, however, give up the argument quite so easily. It would simply ascribe the difficulties we often have in love to not having looked hard enough for that central fixture of Romantic reverie: the right person. This being is inevitably still out there (every soul must have its soulmate, Romanticism assures us), it is just that we haven’t managed to track them down – yet. So we must continue the search, with all the technology and tenacity necessary, and maybe, once the divorce has come through and the house has been sold, we’ll get it right. But there’s another school of thought, this one influenced by psychoanalysis, which challenges the notion that instinct invariably draws us to those who will make us happy. The theory insists that we don’t fall in love first and foremost with those who care for us in ideal ways, we fall in love with those who care for us in familiar ways. Adult love emerges from a template of how we should be loved that was created in childhood and is likely to be entwined with a range of problematic compulsions that militate in key ways against our chances of growth. We may believe we are seeking happiness in love, but what we are really after is familiarity. We are looking to re-create, within our adult relationships, the very feelings we knew so well in childhood – and which were rarely limited to just tenderness and care. The love most of us will have tasted early on was confused with other, more destructive dynamics: feelings of wanting to help an adult who was out of control, of being deprived of a parent’s warmth or scared of his or her anger, or of not feeling secure enough to communicate our trickier wishes. How logical, then, that we should as adults find ourselves rejecting certain candidates not because they are wrong but because they are a little too right – in the sense of seeming somehow excessively balanced, mature, understanding and reliable – given that in our hearts, such rightness feels foreign and unearned. We chase after more exciting others, not in the belief that life with them will be more harmonious, but out of an unconscious sense that it will be reassuringly familiar in its patterns of frustration. Psychoanalysis calls the process whereby we identify our partners ‘object choice’ – and recommends that we try to understand the factors semi-consciously governing our attractions in order to interrupt the unhealthier patterns that might be at play. Our instincts – our strong undercurrents of attraction and revulsion – stem from complicated experiences we had when we were far too young to understand them, and which linger in the antechambers of our minds. Psychoanalysis doesn’t wish to suggest that everything about our attractions will be deformed. We may have quite legitimate aspirations to positive qualities: intelligence, charm, generosity… But we are also liable to be fatefully drawn towards trickier tendencies: someone who is often absent, or treats us with a little disdain, or needs to be surrounded all the time by friends, or cannot master their finances. However paradoxical it can sound, without these tricky behaviours, we may simply not be able to feel passionate or tender with someone. Alternatively, we may have been so traumatised by a parental figure, we cannot approach any partner who shares qualities with them of any kind, even ones disconnected from their negative sides. We might in love be rigidly intolerant of anyone who is intelligent, or punctual or interested in science, simply because these were the traits of someone who caused us a great deal of difficulty early on. To choose our partners wisely, we need to tease out how our compulsions to suffering or our rigid flights from trauma may be playing themselves out in our feelings of attraction. A useful starting place is to ask ourselves (perhaps in the company of a large sheet of paper, a pen and a free afternoon) what sort of people really put us off. Revulsion and disgust are useful first guides because we are likely to recognize that some of the traits that make us shiver are not objectively negative and yet feel to us distinctly off-putting. We might, for example, sense that someone who asks us too much about ourselves, or is very tender or dependable, will seem extremely eerie and frightening. And we might equally well, along the way, recognize that a degree of cruelty or distance belong to an odd list of the things we appear genuinely to need in order to love. It can be tricky to avoid self-censorship here, but the point isn’t to represent ourselves as reassuring, predictable people, but to get to know the curious quirks of our own psyches. We’ll tend to find that some ostensibly pretty nice things are getting caught in our love filters: people who are eloquent, clever, reliable, sunny can set off loud alarms. This is vital knowledge. We should pause and try to fathom where the aversions come from, what aspects of our past have made it so hard for us to accept certain sorts of emotional nourishment. Each time we recognize a negative, we’re discovering a crucial association in our own minds: we’re alighting on an impossibility of love based on associations from the past projected onto the present. An additional way we can get at the associations which circulate powerfully in the less noticed corners of our brains is to finish stub-sentences, that invite us to respond to things that might charm or repel us about someone. We get to see our own reactions more clearly when we write things down without thinking too much about our answers, catching the mind’s unconscious at work. For instance, we can deliberately jot the first things that come into our heads when we read the following: • If I tell a partner how much I need them, they will… • When someone tells me they really need me, I… • If someone can’t cope, I… • When someone tells me to get my act together, I … • If I were to be frank about my anxieties … • If my partner told me not to worry, I’d… • When someone blames me unfairly, I … Our honestly described reactions are legacies. They are revealing underlying assumptions we have acquired about what love can look like. We may start to get a clearer picture that our vision of what we are looking for in another person might not be an especially good guide to our personal or mutual happiness. Examining our emotional histories, we see that we can’t be attracted to just anyone. Getting to know the past, we come to recognise our earlier associations for what they are: generalisations we formed – entirely understandably – on the basis of just one or, hugely impressive, examples. We’ve unknowingly turned some local associations into strict rules for relationships. Even if we can’t radically shift the pattern, it’s useful to know that we are carrying a ball and chain. It can make us more careful of ourselves when we feel overwhelmed by a certainty that we’ve met the one, after a few minutes chatting at the bar. Ultimately, we stand to be liberated to love different people to our initial ‘types’, because we find that the qualities we like, and the ones we very much fear, are found in different constellations from those we encountered in the people who first taught us about affection, long ago in a childhood we are starting at last to understand and free ourselves from. ©️The Counsellor

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.As an earring of gold, and an ornament of fine gold, so is a wise reprover upon an obedient ear.

I can upload pictures or video

Good evening, why l can not post pictures since yesterday up till now?