*THE RESTORER'S DAILY GUIDE* DATE: THURSDAY 12TH JUNE 2025 THEME: *TOTAL RESTORATION* MEMORISE Joel 2:25 And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you. READ Joel 2:23-27 Be glad then, ye children of Zion, and rejoice in the LORD your God: for he hath given you the former rain moderately, and he will cause to come down for you the rain, the former rain, and the latter rain in the first month. And the floors shall be full of wheat, and the fats shall overflow with wine and oil. And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you. And ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the LORD your God, that hath dealt wondrously with you: and my people shall never be ashamed. And ye shall know that I am in the midst of Israel, and that I am the LORD your God, and none else: and my people shall never be ashamed. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY *God's last vow is to restore all things.* MESSAGE The only thing God is saying in heaven now and doing on earth is the work of restoration. God's last vow is to restore humanity and creation into the original purpose in predestination by the word and the power of the Holy Spirit. He wants your whole spirit, soul, and body totally restored to all round soundness and wholeness before Him. The Bible confirms this in 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24 "And the very God of peace sanctify you wholly; and I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it." He wants creation delivered, healed, and restored to give Him pleasure again as it was before the fall. The Bible says in Revelation 4:11 "Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created." God will not leave anything out untouched in His vow to restore all things because He is the creator of all things. Now, He who has the power to restore humanity and creation will not find it difficult to restore your health, your family, your finances, or your stolen blessings. This is why Jesus Christ, our Capital restorer came to the earth. His blood is the token for your total restoration. Let your faith in Him rise now, connect with His grace for your own restoration today in Jesus' name. Shalom, maranatha! ACTION STEPS 1. Turn loose your faith and believe God for your own restoration. 2. Present any part of your life needing restoration to the Lord in prayers. PRAYERS Dear heavenly Father, Thank you for today's devotional guide. Oh God of restoration, answer me by fire today and let my total restoration be confirmed with signs and wonders in Jesus' name. Amen. REMEMBER *God's last vow is to restore all things.* AUTHOR: JEDIDIAH DAVID DAILY READING: Ezekiel 33-34, Judges 6-7, Acts 6. HYMN Standing on the promises of Christ my King, Through eternal ages let His praises ring ; Glory in the highest, I will shout and sing, Standing on the promises of God. Stand ing, . . stand ing, . . Standing on the promises of God my Saviour ; Stand ing, . . stand ing, . . I'm standing on the promises of God. 2 Standing on the promises that cannot fail, When the howling storms of doubt and fear assail, By the living word of God I shall prevail, Standing on the promises of God. 3 Standing on the promises I now can see ' Perfect, present cleansing in the blood for me ; Standing in the liberty where Christ makes free, Standing on the promises of God. 4 Standing on the promises of Christ the Lord, Bound to Him eternally by love's strong cord, Overcoming daily with the Spirit's sword, Standing on the promises of God. 5 Standing on the promises I cannot fall, Listening every moment to the Spirit's call, Resting in my Saviour as my All in all, Standing on the promises of God. PLEASE SHARE

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Born on These 4 Dates? You're Destined for Wealth Numerology analyzes an individual’s behavior, characteristics, and career choices based on their birth date. The Life Path Number, derived from adding the digits of your birth date, plays a significant role in this analysis. Life Path Number 1 individuals are often seen as special, achieving notable success in both life and career. Lucky Birth Dates People born on the 1st, 10th, 19th, or 28th of any month have a Life Path Number of 1. This number is associated with the Sun’s energy, symbolizing confidence, leadership, and creativity. Those born on these dates are natural leaders. These individuals are confident, independent thinkers who draw others in with their unique personalities, leaving a lasting impression wherever they go. They embrace challenges and turn them into opportunities for success. However, their strong personalities can sometimes lead to stubbornness and arrogance. They may believe their way is the only correct way, occasionally overlooking the advice of others. Despite this, they have pure hearts and are always willing to help those in need. Their creativity often leads them to success in fields like art, writing, and other creative professions. Friendships and Relationships Life Path Number 1 individuals are loyal and respectful partners. While they deeply value their loved ones, they also cherish their independence within relationships. They expect mutual respect and understanding from their partners. However, their strong-willed nature, coupled with occasional stubbornness, may lead to conflicts. Maintaining balance and open communication is essential for a successful love life. Career Choices With ambitious goals, those with Life Path Number 1 are determined to achieve them. Careers that emphasize leadership, innovation, and independence are ideal. They excel in fields such as business, management, marketing, advertising, art, writing, and technology. Health While energetic and active, their dedication to their pursuits can lead to stress and fatigue. Practicing yoga, meditation, and regular exercise can help them maintain mental clarity. Their busy schedules might sometimes cause irregular eating habits, so it’s important for them to maintain a balanced diet and a healthy, active lifestyle.

*Think deeply about this Post:* *(1) you can only go to work when you are healthy* *(2) You can only make money when you are healthy* *(3) You will only think of how to raise the family when you are healthy* *(4) You can achieve your dreams only when you are healthy* *(5) You can only sleep/ live in that beautiful mansion in peace when you are healthy* *No one can price how much is good health* *```Health is wealth; think, and be wise, take good care of yourself*

UNDERSTANDING ENDOMETRIOSIS One of my patients complained of this terrible period pain. When I asked if she’s seen a doctor, she said it’ll go away once she gives birth. I’m sure some of you have been told the same myth—that pregnancy cures endometriosis. But is that really true? What exactly is endometriosis? Come with me 👇 WHAT IS ENDOMETRIOSIS? Endometriosis is a condition where tissue similar to the endometrial lining grows outside of the uterus. This tissue still behaves like the normal lining, it thickens, breaks down and bleeds every month. However, there’s no exit route. The blood gets trapped inside the body and it causes pain. WHERE ARE THESE TISSUES SEEN? These abnormal growths can be seen on the: - Ovaries - Fallopian tubes - Outer uterus surface - Bladder, intestine and rectum - Pelvic wall In rare case, it can be seen on the lungs, diaphragm or even the brain. WHAT SYMPTOMS DO WOMEN EXPERIENCE? - Painful and heavy menstrual periods - Spotting in between periods - Pelvic or lower back pain - Pain during or after sex - Pain with bowel movement or urination - Infertility issues - Bloating, diarrhea or constipation. The tricky part is endometriosis doesn’t show up on scans, and so women go for years without diagnosis. COMPLICATIONS Endometriosis can lead to: - Infertility - Ovarian cysts - Chronic pain - Bowel or bladder obstruction - Scar tissues that stick together - Mental health issues like anxiety, depression, low self esteem and social withdrawal CAN IT BE TREATED? According to hospitals, There is no cure for endometriosis, but it can be managed using medications, hormone therapy and surgery in severe cases. For women that find it difficult to have a baby, IVF may be carried out. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SUSPECT ENDOMETRIOSES? - Get an accurate diagnosis from a gynecologist - Explore treatment options depending on pain severity and if you want to get pregnant - Consider joining support groups or therapy to deal with the emotional side of it - Modify your lifestyle - See a fertility specialist if you’re trying to conceive - Be patient with your self.- LIFESTYLE AND SELF CARE TIPS - Reduce the intake of processed foods - Increase intake of foods rich in omega 3 fatty acids, fruits and vegetables - Engage in regular exercise - Use heap pads to relieve the cramps and tension - Engage in pelvic floor exercises - Practice being mindful and present. WHAT DOES ENDOMETRIOSES FEEL LIKE? It feels like: - Sharp, deep and consistent pain (Like your womb is being twisted with a knife) - Heavy irregular and messy periods (With severe nausea, vomiting and diarrhea) - Fatigue and exhaustion (Constant tiredness and feeling drained) - Bloating, constipation or diarrhea. If you experience these symptoms, please see a gynecologist. FAQs Can you get pregnant with endometriosis? Yes you can, however it might be difficult. Can it come back after treatment? Yes. Symptoms may return especially if treatment is stopped. Endometriosis is a chronic condition, it can only be managed. Can pregnancy cure endometriosis? Pregnancy may relieve symptoms temporarily, but it doesn’t cure it. Endometriosis is not just “painful periods.” It’s a life-disrupting condition that deserves attention, and care. If you or someone you know is struggling with unexplained pelvic pain, fatigue, or infertility, don’t ignore it. Early diagnosis and intervention can change lives. Have you experienced this before?what did you do about it? WHAT CAUSES ENDOMETRIOSES? The exact cause is not known, however several theories exist: - Retrograde menstruation, where blood flows backward through the fallopian tube instead of exiting the body. - Coelomic metaplasia, where cells outside the uterus transform into endometrial like tissue due to hormones or inflammation. - Immune dysfunction, where the immune system fails to destroy displaced endometrial tissue. - Genetics: It runs in families. TREATING ENDOMETRIOSIS USING FAFORLIFE PRODUCTS: Faforon ✅ Salud✅ Spidex19 ✅ Spidex20✅ Spidex17 ✅ Ditoz ✅ Green Coffee ✅ Change your toothpaste to maximise your gut health too✅

WHY IT IS MORE EXPENSIVE TO BE POOR THAN TO BE RICH Many people don’t realize just how costly it is to be poor… Very, very expensive! Being poor is not just a lack of money—it’s a lifestyle filled with penalties, mark-ups, and quiet suffering. Let’s break it down: Imagine someone struggling financially buying 5 cups of rice every two days for ₦2,000. Meanwhile, another person buys a whole bag for ₦80,000. Now, do the math: Over time, that first person ends up spending over ₦100,000 for the same quantity of rice! The rich buy in bulk while the poor pay in pieces. Poverty forces people to spend more for less, just to survive day-to-day. It's not just about money—it's a cycle that punishes the most vulnerable for not having enough in the first place. Here are some examples to illustrate this: 1. A low-income earner may buy a cheap dress for ₦4,000. It’s poorly stitched with low-quality fabric. After 2–3 washes, it fades, and the seams tear, forcing them to return to the market. They may end up purchasing the same type of dress 5 times in a year, totaling ₦20,000. In contrast, someone else may invest in a custom-made, high-quality outfit for ₦18,000 once—a durable, classic piece that lasts, allowing them to still wear it confidently the following year. 2. The same goes for shoes: A person might buy “affordable” flats for ₦3,500 every two months because they wear out easily. That’s over ₦20,000 a year. A better-made pair for ₦12,000 could last an entire year or more! 3. A mother working two minimum-wage jobs can’t afford a car, so she spends hours waiting for public transport in rain, snow, and sun—time that could be spent resting, upskilling, or with her children. She can’t afford to buy groceries in bulk, leading to higher costs per meal. She can't afford quality healthcare, so a small untreated illness becomes a major emergency. Needing to support her family, she goes to work sick, delaying her recovery and worsening her condition.😭 4. When it comes to wigs, if someone buys ₦5,000 synthetic wigs 6 times a year, that amounts to ₦30,000. Investing once in a ₦25,000 quality wig can last much longer. 5. Nutrition is another aspect to consider. Eating cheap can be double-edged: Every morning, quick, cheap options like akara and puff puff may seem convenient, but by age 40, diabetes or cancer may set in, leading to thousands spent on treatments, medications, and hospital bills. 😭 This cycle of poor nutrition, high stress, and lack of preventive care results in higher long-term medical costs, often paid out-of-pocket. 6. Sadly, there are tragic stories too: Parents who lost a child because they couldn't afford ₦5,000 for needed medications; a man who lost his pregnant wife due to an inability to pay for a necessary operation; or Mrs. Jose, who had to live in a hazardous environment due to limited finances, leading to her daughters being abducted and assaulted.😭 7. Poor individuals often spend more time commuting on unreliable public transportation and have to juggle multiple jobs or gigs, increasing stress and reducing opportunities for rest or personal growth. 8. A low-income family might take payday loans with sky-high interest just to keep their lights on, spending months paying it back. On the other hand, a wealthy person borrows at lower interest rates to invest in opportunities that increase their wealth. This is why a corrupt government may prefer its citizens to remain poor—because they profit more from poverty than prosperity. Cheap choices today can ultimately cost you your life tomorrow. The moral of the story? Poverty is expensive. It forces people to “get by” until they end up spending more for less. This is why empowerment and financial access matter; true savings lie in quality, not constant replacements. Being poor limits your choices, and those limitations create a cycle of additional costs—often making day-to-day living more expensive than it is for someone who has the means to plan, invest, and save. Don’t give up. Don’t count yourself out. There’s strength in perseverance. Learn to make money, manage your money, and grow your money. Pray for financial abundance, and it shall be well with you. The same God who turned water into wine can turn your nothing into something. May God help us all to find the right empowerment and finances that elevate us from poverty. 🙏

12 NEGATIVE THINGS YOU MUST NEVER DO OR SAY DURING CONFLICT IN MARRIAGE📌📌📌📌📌📌📌📌📌 Disagreements in marriage are normal. Offense must come, no matter how holy and anointed you are. But we must learn to handle disputes with God's wisdom so that they won’t lead to MARITAL CRISIS AND DIVORCE. HERE ARE 12 THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER DO DURING AN ARGUMENT WITH YOUR SPOUSE. 1. 📌Never say a word you may later regret. Never let your emotions control you. No matter how angry you are, never speak a word you will regret later. Avoid negative arguments. If you must argue, do it with love. Control your anger. Don’t abuse your tongue. Some couples are divorced today because they cannot control their tongues. Words spoken in anger can destroy a blissful marriage overnight. 2. 📌Never Be Too Proud To I Am Sorry. One thing that helped me and my wife and is still helping us is the ability to say I am sorry. This five-letter word (Sorry) is powerful. Learn to say I am sorry if you desire a peaceful and long-lasting marriage- There are two times you should say I am sorry. When you are right and when you are wrong. Why? So that peace can reign in your marriage. It’s better to be wrong and have a peaceful home than to be right and have a broken home. Don't be too arrogant to say “I am sorry” or “Please forgive me”. These are some of the most powerful words you will need to learn to use in your marriage. 3. 📌Never thr€aten your spouse with Divorce. There is no dignity in divorce. No thr€at of divorce or separation. Avoid mentioning divorce. Don’t even think of it because Love never fails. Decide to build a long-lasting marriage. God hates divorce. Every marriage has its challenges. True love is known in times of challenges. Fight for your marriage. Make up your mind to stay with your spouse in times of need. Remember the vow For better for worse. In sickness and in health be there. So fight for your marriage. 4. 📌Never refer to the past offenses of your spouse. Forgive and move on. Don’t say, last year you did this and that. Old issues should pass away. 5. 📌Never forget the goodness of your spouse when there is an issue. Don't turn your spouse into an enemy because of one single argument. Never turn your spouse into a devil because of one single argument. That’s why it is not good to make a decision when there is an argument. You may make a decision you may later regret. 6. 📌NEVER Raise your voice whenever there is an argument. DON’T SHOUT AT YOUR SPOUSE NO MATTER THE OFFENCE. Never shout at your spouse no matter what happen. The only time you are permitted to shout in marriage is when the house is on fire. God forbid. You should Talk as lovers and friends in marriage 7. 📌Never place a curse on your spouse no matter the offence. I read a story about a woman who told her husband never to come back home, and he never returned. He had an accident and d!ed on the spot. The tongue has the power of life and d€ath. 8. 📌Avoid trying to win every argument in your marriage. YOUR HOME IS NOT A LAW COURT. Don’t be Defensive. If you discover you are wrong, acknowledge it. Don't try to "win" the argument. So many fights or marital crises can be ended once you admit you are wrong instead of trying to defend yourself. You must Choose happiness over being right. Also, you don't have to argue over every little disagreement. Sometimes you have to move on from the petty differences you have with your spouse and focus on more important things 9. 📌NEVER raise your hand on your spouse. Never start destr0ying your property because you are angry. Domestic vi0lence is unacceptable. No matter how angry you are, never beat your spouse. 10. 📌Never Stop Caring When You Are Having Issues With Your Spouse. Don't stop cooking and serving your spouse, never stop calling to know how your spouse's day is going, never stop praying for your spouse, and never stop dropping money at home because there is a misunderstanding. Don't stop eating at home. Never suspend all the good things you have always done for your spouse because there is an issue 11. 📌Never Compare Your Spouse With Anybody No perfect marriage. Everyone you marry has a weakness. Only God does not have a weakness. So if you focus on your spouse's weakness you can't get the best out of his strength. Focus on what your spouse is doing right in marriage. Focus on his/her strengths, not his/her weaknesses. Stop focusing on the mistakes or weaknesses of your spouse. Be patient with your spouse. Try to understand and accept your differences and celebrate them. Never compare your husband to old boyfriends, your brother, father, pastor, or anyone else. Never compare your wife to your ex, mother, sisters, or pastor’s wife Stop comparing your marriage with someone else’s. Invest in your marriage, 12. 📌NEVER STOP TO PRAYING TOGETHER Don't let conflict, anger, or offense destroy your prayer life. Many Married couples slowly stop praying together the moment they have an issue in marriage. You see, the best time to pray with your spouse is when there is an issue. Once you stop praying because of any offense, you have allowed the devil to take a place in your home. Fight for your marriage by praying without ceasing. Your spouse is not your enemy. The devil is your enemy. You will not fail in marriage in Jesus name Kindly share this message with your loved ones 🙏

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*HOW TO SPOT COMMON CANCERS EARLY* Cancer is often silent in the beginning, but your body might be trying to tell you something. knowing the early signs of common cancers can be life-saving. Here’s what to watch out for and when to take action 👇 🔑 LUNG CANCER A cough that just won’t go away, or that gets worse over time, could be an early sign. If you’re coughing up blood or feeling out of breath doing everyday things, take note. Chest pain that’s worse when you breathe in deeply, laugh, or cough is also something to check out. Early tests can help spot lung issues before they get worse. 🔑 BREAST CANCER Pay attention to any lumps in the breast or under the arm, especially if they feel hard or are growing. Look for changes in the size or shape of your breast or any fluid coming from the nipple that is not milk. Skin changes, like dimpling (making it look like an orange peel) or redness, are also early signs. Checking yourself regularly matters here. Men also have breast cancer, though it's rare. 🔑 COLON CANCER The colon is the final part of the digestive system. Signs like changes in bathroom habits, like ongoing diarrhea, constipation, or feeling like you can’t empty your bowels completely, may matter. Blood in your stool is another red flag, along with stomach pain that doesn’t go away. Sudden weight loss and feeling very tired without a clear reason could also mean it’s time for a checkup. 🔑 PROSTATE CANCER Early signs can include trouble starting to urinate, needing to go more often (especially at night), or feeling like your bladder is not fully emptying. Some men also notice blood in their urine or sudden erectile issues. Though prostate cancer often grows slowly, early testing can help 🔑 STOMACH CANCER Stomach cancer symptoms include constant indigestion, feeling full quickly, bloating, appetite loss, and unexplained weight loss. Vomiting blood or black stools may occur in advanced cases. Risk factors include H. pylori infection, smoking, heavy drinking, and diets high in salty or smoked foods. Early detection involves endoscopy, and prevention includes a healthy diet, avoiding smoking, and treating infections. 🔑 LIVER CANCER Early signs of liver cancer include yellowing of the skin or eyes (jaundice), pain or swelling in the upper right belly, tiredness, and weight loss. Risks include hepatitis B or C, heavy alcohol use, and liver disease. 🔑 CERVICAL CANCER The first signs of cervical cancer are unusual vaginal bleeding (after sex, between periods, or after menopause), watery or bloody discharge with a strong smell, and pelvic pain during or after intercourse. 🔑 PANCREATIC CANCER Pancreatic cancer signs are often subtle, so it’s good to know them. Look out for jaundice (yellowing of the skin and eyes), dark colored urine, or lighter-colored stools. Upper belly pain that may spread to your back, sudden weight loss, and poor appetite are also signals to watch for. 🔑 SKIN CANCER Skin cancer can show early warning signs, such as new growths or sores that don’t heal and changes in existing moles. Watch out for moles that change in size, shape, or color, or develop uneven edges. Redness, swelling, or spreading colour around a mole, as well as itching, tenderness, or bleeding, can also be signs. 🔑 This Why Early Detection Matters. Early detection means more treatment options and better chances of treatment. If you notice anything unusual, don’t hesitate to get it checked out! Once confirmed, embark on the following immediately for 3 months and check again afterwards. 👇👇👇👇👇👇👇 👇 Alternate salud and faforon by every 2 hours. *Use the outer cover of salud in measuring both salud and faforon* ✍️8am take 2 covers of salud. ✍️10am take 2 covers of faforon. ✍️12noon take 2 covers of salud. ✍️2pm take 2 covers of faforon. ✍️4pm take 2 covers of salud. ✍️7pm take 2 covers of faforon. All Spidex series should be taken only twice daily. 2 capsules in the morning, 2 capsules at night. FaforDitoz should be taken 3 days at night only. Repeat it every 2 weeks to keep moping the free radicals that form cancer cells. Take this intensively for 3 months, then repeat the following tests 👇 Immunohistochemistry. Full blood count. FBS. Body CT Scan. Ultra scan. Liver kidney function test. And various blood parameters to detect if there is any cancer remnant in the system. Avoid chemotherapy, it's toxic, and it kills faster than cancer itself ✍️ Reach out to us for a therapeutic solution👍.

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A LONG READ How do we choose the people we fall in love with? The Romantic answer is that our instincts naturally guide us to individuals who are kind and good for us. Love is a sort of ecstasy that descends when we feel ourselves in the presence of a benign and nourishing soul, who will answer our emotional needs, understand our sadness and strengthen us for the hard tasks of our lives. In order to locate our lover, we must let our instincts carry us along, taking care never to impede them through pedantic psychological analysis and introspection or else considerations of status, wealth or lineage. Our feelings will tell us clearly enough when we have reached our destiny. To ask someone with any degree of rigour why exactly they have chosen a particular partner is – in the Romantic world-view – simply an unnecessary and offensive misunderstanding of love: true love is an instinct that accurately and naturally settles on those with a capacity to make us happy. The Romantic attitude sounds warm and kind. Its originators certainly imagined that it would bring an end to the sort of unhappy relationships previously brokered by parents and society. The only difficulty is that our obedience to instinct has, very often, proved to be a disaster of its own. Respecting the special feelings we get around certain people in nightclubs and train stations, parties and websites and that Romanticism so ably celebrated in art appears not to have led us to be any happier in our unions than a Medieval couple shackled into marriage by two royal courts keen to preserve the sovereignty of a slice of ancestral land. ‘Instinct’ has been little better than ‘calculation’ in underwriting the quality of our love stories. Romanticism would not at this point, however, give up the argument quite so easily. It would simply ascribe the difficulties we often have in love to not having looked hard enough for that central fixture of Romantic reverie: the right person. This being is inevitably still out there (every soul must have its soulmate, Romanticism assures us), it is just that we haven’t managed to track them down – yet. So we must continue the search, with all the technology and tenacity necessary, and maybe, once the divorce has come through and the house has been sold, we’ll get it right. But there’s another school of thought, this one influenced by psychoanalysis, which challenges the notion that instinct invariably draws us to those who will make us happy. The theory insists that we don’t fall in love first and foremost with those who care for us in ideal ways, we fall in love with those who care for us in familiar ways. Adult love emerges from a template of how we should be loved that was created in childhood and is likely to be entwined with a range of problematic compulsions that militate in key ways against our chances of growth. We may believe we are seeking happiness in love, but what we are really after is familiarity. We are looking to re-create, within our adult relationships, the very feelings we knew so well in childhood – and which were rarely limited to just tenderness and care. The love most of us will have tasted early on was confused with other, more destructive dynamics: feelings of wanting to help an adult who was out of control, of being deprived of a parent’s warmth or scared of his or her anger, or of not feeling secure enough to communicate our trickier wishes. How logical, then, that we should as adults find ourselves rejecting certain candidates not because they are wrong but because they are a little too right – in the sense of seeming somehow excessively balanced, mature, understanding and reliable – given that in our hearts, such rightness feels foreign and unearned. We chase after more exciting others, not in the belief that life with them will be more harmonious, but out of an unconscious sense that it will be reassuringly familiar in its patterns of frustration. Psychoanalysis calls the process whereby we identify our partners ‘object choice’ – and recommends that we try to understand the factors semi-consciously governing our attractions in order to interrupt the unhealthier patterns that might be at play. Our instincts – our strong undercurrents of attraction and revulsion – stem from complicated experiences we had when we were far too young to understand them, and which linger in the antechambers of our minds. Psychoanalysis doesn’t wish to suggest that everything about our attractions will be deformed. We may have quite legitimate aspirations to positive qualities: intelligence, charm, generosity… But we are also liable to be fatefully drawn towards trickier tendencies: someone who is often absent, or treats us with a little disdain, or needs to be surrounded all the time by friends, or cannot master their finances. However paradoxical it can sound, without these tricky behaviours, we may simply not be able to feel passionate or tender with someone. Alternatively, we may have been so traumatised by a parental figure, we cannot approach any partner who shares qualities with them of any kind, even ones disconnected from their negative sides. We might in love be rigidly intolerant of anyone who is intelligent, or punctual or interested in science, simply because these were the traits of someone who caused us a great deal of difficulty early on. To choose our partners wisely, we need to tease out how our compulsions to suffering or our rigid flights from trauma may be playing themselves out in our feelings of attraction. A useful starting place is to ask ourselves (perhaps in the company of a large sheet of paper, a pen and a free afternoon) what sort of people really put us off. Revulsion and disgust are useful first guides because we are likely to recognize that some of the traits that make us shiver are not objectively negative and yet feel to us distinctly off-putting. We might, for example, sense that someone who asks us too much about ourselves, or is very tender or dependable, will seem extremely eerie and frightening. And we might equally well, along the way, recognize that a degree of cruelty or distance belong to an odd list of the things we appear genuinely to need in order to love. It can be tricky to avoid self-censorship here, but the point isn’t to represent ourselves as reassuring, predictable people, but to get to know the curious quirks of our own psyches. We’ll tend to find that some ostensibly pretty nice things are getting caught in our love filters: people who are eloquent, clever, reliable, sunny can set off loud alarms. This is vital knowledge. We should pause and try to fathom where the aversions come from, what aspects of our past have made it so hard for us to accept certain sorts of emotional nourishment. Each time we recognize a negative, we’re discovering a crucial association in our own minds: we’re alighting on an impossibility of love based on associations from the past projected onto the present. An additional way we can get at the associations which circulate powerfully in the less noticed corners of our brains is to finish stub-sentences, that invite us to respond to things that might charm or repel us about someone. We get to see our own reactions more clearly when we write things down without thinking too much about our answers, catching the mind’s unconscious at work. For instance, we can deliberately jot the first things that come into our heads when we read the following: • If I tell a partner how much I need them, they will… • When someone tells me they really need me, I… • If someone can’t cope, I… • When someone tells me to get my act together, I … • If I were to be frank about my anxieties … • If my partner told me not to worry, I’d… • When someone blames me unfairly, I … Our honestly described reactions are legacies. They are revealing underlying assumptions we have acquired about what love can look like. We may start to get a clearer picture that our vision of what we are looking for in another person might not be an especially good guide to our personal or mutual happiness. Examining our emotional histories, we see that we can’t be attracted to just anyone. Getting to know the past, we come to recognise our earlier associations for what they are: generalisations we formed – entirely understandably – on the basis of just one or, hugely impressive, examples. We’ve unknowingly turned some local associations into strict rules for relationships. Even if we can’t radically shift the pattern, it’s useful to know that we are carrying a ball and chain. It can make us more careful of ourselves when we feel overwhelmed by a certainty that we’ve met the one, after a few minutes chatting at the bar. Ultimately, we stand to be liberated to love different people to our initial ‘types’, because we find that the qualities we like, and the ones we very much fear, are found in different constellations from those we encountered in the people who first taught us about affection, long ago in a childhood we are starting at last to understand and free ourselves from. ©️The Counsellor