So there I was, sitting in a packed Lagos danfo, minding my business, when my stomach did gbo gbo gbo gbo gbo. I knew that sound. It was the sound of impending doom.
Now, before I continue, let me tell you something. Nigerian beans is not your friend. The previous night, I had eaten a mountain of beans and dodo, washed it down with cold Fanta, and even had the audacity to sleep peacefully. That peace ended in that bus.
The trip was going smoothly. The conductor was shouting his usual "Oshodi! Ikeja! Enter with your change o!" and everything was normal… until I felt it. That deep, unsettling pressure in my belly. The type that warns you, "If you don’t release me now, I’ll disgrace you publicly."
I tried to squeeze my butt cheeks together. I prayed. I even tried breathing exercises. But my stomach was not having it. And then, my body betrayed me.
Prrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!
It was not just loud. It was mic check one-two, one-two loud. It had bass, tremble, and echo. It was like a trumpet from heaven.
The bus went silent. Even the conductor stopped shouting. People turned. Mothers held their children closer. A man at the back whispered, “Jesus is Lord.”
And then, the worst part; my crush, Sade, was sitting right beside me.
Sade, the girl I had been planning to toast for months. The one I had been rehearsing smooth lines for. The one I had imagined texting me, "You’re so funny, babe.” Now, instead of funny, I was just… farty.
She turned to look at me, her face a mix of horror and betrayal. "Ah-ah, Morris… why?"
Why?? My sister, if I had an answer, I would have given you!
The smell started spreading. People started covering their noses. Someone at the back shouted, "Driver, stop! This one don mess finish!" The driver, a wicked man, just laughed and said, "Who fart, make e pay extra money o!"
I wanted to die. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. I thought of pretending it wasn’t me, but Sade was already looking at me like I had personally offended her ancestors.
The man beside me moved away and said, "Young man, you need deliverance.”
Long story short, I got down two stops early and walked the rest of the way, ashamed and broken. Sade never spoke to me again.
Let this be a lesson to all of yo. NEVER eat beans before entering public transport. Or at least, develop silent-fart technology.
*FOBCARES *
Now, before I continue, let me tell you something. Nigerian beans is not your friend. The previous night, I had eaten a mountain of beans and dodo, washed it down with cold Fanta, and even had the audacity to sleep peacefully. That peace ended in that bus.
The trip was going smoothly. The conductor was shouting his usual "Oshodi! Ikeja! Enter with your change o!" and everything was normal… until I felt it. That deep, unsettling pressure in my belly. The type that warns you, "If you don’t release me now, I’ll disgrace you publicly."
I tried to squeeze my butt cheeks together. I prayed. I even tried breathing exercises. But my stomach was not having it. And then, my body betrayed me.
Prrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!
It was not just loud. It was mic check one-two, one-two loud. It had bass, tremble, and echo. It was like a trumpet from heaven.
The bus went silent. Even the conductor stopped shouting. People turned. Mothers held their children closer. A man at the back whispered, “Jesus is Lord.”
And then, the worst part; my crush, Sade, was sitting right beside me.
Sade, the girl I had been planning to toast for months. The one I had been rehearsing smooth lines for. The one I had imagined texting me, "You’re so funny, babe.” Now, instead of funny, I was just… farty.
She turned to look at me, her face a mix of horror and betrayal. "Ah-ah, Morris… why?"
Why?? My sister, if I had an answer, I would have given you!
The smell started spreading. People started covering their noses. Someone at the back shouted, "Driver, stop! This one don mess finish!" The driver, a wicked man, just laughed and said, "Who fart, make e pay extra money o!"
I wanted to die. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. I thought of pretending it wasn’t me, but Sade was already looking at me like I had personally offended her ancestors.
The man beside me moved away and said, "Young man, you need deliverance.”
Long story short, I got down two stops early and walked the rest of the way, ashamed and broken. Sade never spoke to me again.
Let this be a lesson to all of yo. NEVER eat beans before entering public transport. Or at least, develop silent-fart technology.
*FOBCARES *
So there I was, sitting in a packed Lagos danfo, minding my business, when my stomach did gbo gbo gbo gbo gbo. I knew that sound. It was the sound of impending doom.
Now, before I continue, let me tell you something. Nigerian beans is not your friend. The previous night, I had eaten a mountain of beans and dodo, washed it down with cold Fanta, and even had the audacity to sleep peacefully. That peace ended in that bus.
The trip was going smoothly. The conductor was shouting his usual "Oshodi! Ikeja! Enter with your change o!" and everything was normal… until I felt it. That deep, unsettling pressure in my belly. The type that warns you, "If you don’t release me now, I’ll disgrace you publicly."
I tried to squeeze my butt cheeks together. I prayed. I even tried breathing exercises. But my stomach was not having it. And then, my body betrayed me.
Prrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!
It was not just loud. It was mic check one-two, one-two loud. It had bass, tremble, and echo. It was like a trumpet from heaven.
The bus went silent. Even the conductor stopped shouting. People turned. Mothers held their children closer. A man at the back whispered, “Jesus is Lord.”
And then, the worst part; my crush, Sade, was sitting right beside me.
Sade, the girl I had been planning to toast for months. The one I had been rehearsing smooth lines for. The one I had imagined texting me, "You’re so funny, babe.” Now, instead of funny, I was just… farty.
She turned to look at me, her face a mix of horror and betrayal. "Ah-ah, Morris… why?"
Why?? My sister, if I had an answer, I would have given you!
The smell started spreading. People started covering their noses. Someone at the back shouted, "Driver, stop! This one don mess finish!" The driver, a wicked man, just laughed and said, "Who fart, make e pay extra money o!"
I wanted to die. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. I thought of pretending it wasn’t me, but Sade was already looking at me like I had personally offended her ancestors.
The man beside me moved away and said, "Young man, you need deliverance.”
Long story short, I got down two stops early and walked the rest of the way, ashamed and broken. Sade never spoke to me again.
Let this be a lesson to all of yo. NEVER eat beans before entering public transport. Or at least, develop silent-fart technology.
*FOBCARES ✍️*
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