Sometimes, it's easier to stay silent than to tell everyone how not okay I am. I know that some people would actually care about me, but I believe that they would never fully understand how I feel. I am so sick of this life. And if I ever say this to anyone, I am sure that they will give me some motivation or any words that will encourage me to keep living. It is not bad actually, and I know that they just really want to comfort and help me. However, my honest feeling is that I'm also sick of hearing positive words that are not really making me feel better. I'm already tired of hearing people say that everything will be okay tomorrow or maybe someday, but I've already been holding on to those words for a long time, and I am here— still not okay.
I just really want to be silent whenever somebody asks me if I'm okay. Though I still want to share my story, I don't want to have a listener who talks a lot about the beautiful things in this world, to which I can't relate because I've suffered a lot. The truth is, I'd rather hear how painful and sad life can be just so I can learn how to live with it. Whenever somebody asks me if I'm okay, I usually lie or pretend and say that I'm fine. But I'm honestly hoping that some people will sit with me and talk to me as if they really know how heavy I feel inside. I just want to be understood. So I will always choose to keep all my feelings to myself unless I find someone who deeply understands that I am not just unwell, but I am actually on the edge of giving up.
— Shiori X
Art by: hessah._.art (IG) | used with permission